Looking back at '80s Hair Metal, one thing is apparent—every band looked and sounded exactly the same. According to legend, this is because of a secret text written by an anonymous record label in 1984 that promised fame and fortune to anyone who followed it word-for-word. As the music scene started to change in the '90s, this text faded into obscurity, never to be read and followed again…until now. Here, in all its glory, is a replica of that original text, painstakingly rewritten word-by-word for today’s retro music hopefuls to follow. The text, which covers everything from how to write music to how to dress, includes the following illustrated tips:

On How to Look:

• Be sure to showcase your chest 75 percent of the time.

On How to Write Music:

• Usë excëssivë ümlaüts in söng titlës.
• Write a song for all the ladies out there, and declare it in the intro.

On How to Play:

• Multiply the number of amps you need by six.