A practical guide to understand both low and high libido, drawing on science, straight talk and useful exercises to stop blame and rekindle pleasure.
From the Vatican to Vegas, From Disney to PornHub, we’ve been tricked into believing love and sex are like a hand in a glove, though few of us experience them that way. In Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth About Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire, Cyndi Darnell helps demystify our relationship to desire by making it authentic, relatable, and most importantly, attainable. Darnell guides readers step-by-step through a useful framework to discover their authentic longings while recognizing it can feel uncomfortable when they’re unaccustomed to deep, soul-nourishing conversations about sex. From reading this book, you will learn what desire needs to thrive and how to understand your unique erotic template.
At its core, Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It is honest. It understands that exploring sex is complicated in a culture that insists sex is both natural and dangerous. It doesn’t promise eternal happiness with tips and tricks in three-easy-steps. It does, however, get to the heart of how everything we’ve been led to believe about erotic desire is untrue, and demonstrates how these beliefs shape our struggles with cultivating pleasure and understanding the nature of passion. Darnell takes desire from a passive, resigned sense of failure to an inspired quest by offering countless prompts, practices, suggestions and reflections to help the reader understand why they’re feeling what they’re feeling, why they’re feeling stuck, what they really want, and how to get there. This book offers abundant alternatives to sexual struggles and tackles the self-doubt, awkwardness, and embarrassment of exploring erotic desire to support the reader in creating a dynamic erotic identity that is uniquely theirs.
Cyndi Darnell is a sex and relationships therapist, clinical sexologist, and leading authority on desire and libido. Originally from Melbourne Australia, she now maintains a global practice from New York City where she offers consultations and coaching worldwide helping people resolve erotic quandaries and transform fear into freedom.
Chapter 1: Everything We’ve Been Told about Sex Is Lies
Chapter 2: Why Pleasure Matters
Chapter 3: What is Desire?
Chapter 4: Desire Myths
Chapter 5: Different Kinds of Desire
Chapter 6: Looking Forward By Looking Back
Chapter 7: The Triangle of Satisfaction
Chapter 8: The Body Speaks
Chapter 9: Let’s Get Physical
Chapter 10: Taking Risks
Chapter 11: The Erotic Imagination
Chapter 12: Talking About Sex Like It Matters
Chapter 13: Troubleshooting
About the Author
With Sex When You Don't Feel Like It, Cyndi Darnell cuts through the destructive and incorrect messaging about sex, desire, and libido and provides a practical, helpful, and needed guide to intimate self-discovery.
Sex When Your Don't Feel Like It reads like an entrancing novel filled with poetic imagery and prose that will want to be read again and then again. This up to the minute collection of sexual truths, knowledge, and practical exercises will playfully activate your curiosity for taking a deep dive into the depths of your own erotic desires and those of the sexual partners who bring their desires to you. Cyndi Darnell has written the consummate guide for discovering the many meanings and pleasures that are awaiting to become known within our human sexual and erotic desires.
Forget everything you think you know about sex and relationships and read Sex When You Don't Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire. Cyndi Darnell has written the consummate guide to getting your groove back that will transform the way you see your relationship with desire and how it shows up in your life. Cyndi Darnell deftly breaks down why many of us have discordant sexual desire and long for more intimacy in our relationships, and challenges many long held beliefs while offering up a new paradigm for (re)building the sustainable, pleasurable, and rich relationships that we all crave.
Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It is a much-needed alternative to the standard sex advice literature. Cyndi Darnell brings her wealth of sexological and therapeutic expertise to bear on the all-too-common experience of mismatched desires—both with partners and with our own expectations. Rather than pushing anyone towards a cookie cutter version of what sex should look like, she guides us in opening up our erotic imaginations, and how we might communicate these—verbally and physically—with ourselves and others. A refreshing read packed with genuinely helpful information and advice.
With disarming good humor and the kind of frank language you’d want to hear from someone talking to you about what the hell is going on with your sex drive, Cyndi Darnell asks the right questions to help unlock the dusty, old attic you’ve kept your erotic desires locked up in. And she does this for you no matter your gender, sexuality, age, or relationship status. Um, wow.
This is the book I’ve been waiting for! Cyndi Darnell shatters the myth of “normal” sex, and cuts through the blame-and-shame game of mismatched desires in this essential, optimistic book. Whatever your gender identity, sexual preferences, or relationship style, you’ll delight in Cyndi’s no-nonsense, humor-filled approach to sex—no platitudes, no diagnoses, no right and wrong. Just a get-real guide to expanding your vision of your own sexuality and sharing it with others with meaning, joy, and ease.
Cyndi Darnell’s book is a gift for those who have unsubscribed from outdated assumptions, ingrained apathy, and the lie that you can’t have it all. You can with this book. Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It is a total circuit breaker for those who feel like their days of sex and connection are over. A spectacular and life changing book. I am so excited for all those people about to turn their lives around.
In Sex When You Don't Feel Like It, Cyndi Darnell brings both powerful insight and useful tools to one of the most widely acknowledged issues in modern day relationships. For high & low desire partners alike, and people of all genders, this book is set to be my go-to recommendation for couples struggling with mismatched libido.Definitely add this to your must-read list.
Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It encourages the reader to embody their physical sensuality and approach with playful curiosity to prioritize and support healthy sexual expression in our lives. In this process of questioning old patterns, we begin to unveil our internal and external accelerations and decelerations as they relate to desire. Incorporating our personal values into our sex lives creates space for us to feel our feelings. With this newly gained self-knowledge and spark in erotic imagination, we strive to improve our understanding and communication with ourselves and others. Instead of framing our sexual framework within the context of function vs. dysfunction, we are encouraged to explore pleasure in its many facets on our journey to more meaningful, fulfilling lives, in and out of the sheets.
Dr. Darnell’s first book bridges the gap between theory and practice – bringing together academic frameworks with simple reflection exercises for the mainstream reader. It makes recent core discoveries in the world of sexology and psychology accessible to all. Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It is for you if you started Jack Morin’s The Erotic Mind but left it at the first chapter; if you went through Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are but were still confused about The Dual Control Model; if you have watched Betty Martin and Robin Dalzen’s "Wheel of Consent" YouTube videos but are still not clear on how to apply the 3 minute exercise to real life. It simplifies the most important concepts within the field of sexology and psychology seamlessly for beginners.
Nearly every chapter, case study, and practice was valuable for what I mistook to be a lack of libido on my end. I now know those feelings are almost tragically common[.]
3/28/22, The Erotic Philosopher Podcast: Cyndi Darnell was the guest on her own podcast, interviewed by Curvy Girl Sex author Elle Chase about the book.
4/10/22, The Sexy Life Podcast: Cyndi Darnell was interviewed about the book and the most common sex myths.
4/21/22, Sluts and Scholars Podcast: Cyndi Darnell spoke about mismatched libido and other topics from the book.
5/11/22, Girl Boner Radio: Cyndi Darnell and the book were mentioned in this podcast episode.
5/12/22, Choice: This book was featured in a roundup of forthcoming titles in science & technology.
5/13/22, Connectfulness Practice Podcast: Cyndi Darnell talked about topics from her book in this episode.
5/21/22, Allure: Cyndi Darnell provided her expertise on what sexual wellness TikTok influencers get wrong.
6/4/22, Turn Me On Podcast: Cyndi Darnell talked about rediscovering desire and more topics from the book in this episode.
6/5/22, Toronto Sun: Cyndi Darnell and the book were featured in this article.
6/6/22, American Sex Podcast: Cyndi Darnell spoke with Sunny Megatron about the book.
6/10/22, Residence 11: An except from the book was posted.
7/22/22, Sex & Psychology Podcast: Cyndi Darnell joined Justin Lehmiller to talk about the book.
7/21/22 , Dr. Alexandra Solomon: Cyndi Darnell joined an Instagram Live with Alexandra Solomon.
7/12/22, Center for Positive Sexuality - Blog: Cyndi Darnell's book was featured in this review.
7/27/22, Girl Boner Podcast: Cyndi Darnell talked with August McLaughlin about topics from the book.
7/20/22, Inside Hook: Cyndi Darnell talked about low libido in men.
8/16/22, Vice: Cyndi Darnell provided tips from the book in this article about initiating sex.
9/26/22, USA Today: In this article about celebrity cheating scandals, author Cyndi Darnell offered insights on the motivations of cheaters.
2/8/23, Giddy: Cyndi Darnell was featured in this author interview.
2/14/23, New York Times: Cyndi Darnell was featured in this author Q&A about the book.
2/10/23, Sex Culture Relationships podcast: Cyndi Darnell discussed libido and more topics from the book in this author interview.