Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?

A Guide for Women Concerned about Their Men

Joe Kort - With Alexander P. Morgan

Jennifer can’t believe it. Just married and pregnant, she discovers that her husband has been meeting Brad for sex. When confronted, Tom doesn’t deny it, but he insists it’s just “a thing” and he isn’t gay. Elsewhere, John’s wife, Karen, discovers that her husband likes to watch gay porn. John doesn’t understand his wife’s reaction. Why does she care what he watches if he’s not unfaithful? In couple’s therapy, Karen and Jennifer raise the same questions: Does this mean my husband is gay? Can my marriage survive?

These and other stories illustrate the difficulties inherent when a wife or girlfriend finds out her man has had or wants to have sexual contact with other men. But many times, the man is not gay or even bisexual. Of course, some men with gay sexual interests are gay men in a process of self-discovery; they are “coming out.” These desires may only reflect a different side of a man’s sexuality or some response to childhood trauma or experiences they have not fully processed. Here Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan make the distinction between gay men and “straight men with gay interests” clearer to women who want to know how they can overcome these revelations. The authors explain the many reasons why straight men may be drawn to gay sex; how to tell whether a man is gay, straight, or bisexual; and what the various options are for these couples, who can often go on to have very fulfilling marriages.

Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is intended to help couples understand how male sexuality can express itself in ways that may be difficult to understand. Many marriages have been hurriedly terminated when couples (and their therapists) have lacked the information they needed to understand their current situations. This book provides the clarity, describes the choices, and (in many cases) offers hope for relationships and marriages that have been brushed off as doomed.

Rowman & Littlefield Publishers

Pages: 240 • Trim: 6½ x 9¼

978-1-4422-2325-7 • Hardback • September 2014 • $56.00 • (£43.00)

978-1-5381-2748-3 • Paperback • January 2019 • $27.00 • (£19.99)

978-1-4422-2326-4 • eBook • September 2014 • $25.50 • (£19.99)

Subjects: Psychology / Human Sexuality, Social Science / Gender Studies, Social Science / Men's Studies, Social Science / Women's Studies

Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?

A Guide for Women Concerned about Their Men

Hardback

Paperback

eBook

Summary

Jennifer can’t believe it. Just married and pregnant, she discovers that her husband has been meeting Brad for sex. When confronted, Tom doesn’t deny it, but he insists it’s just “a thing” and he isn’t gay. Elsewhere, John’s wife, Karen, discovers that her husband likes to watch gay porn. John doesn’t understand his wife’s reaction. Why does she care what he watches if he’s not unfaithful? In couple’s therapy, Karen and Jennifer raise the same questions: Does this mean my husband is gay? Can my marriage survive?

These and other stories illustrate the difficulties inherent when a wife or girlfriend finds out her man has had or wants to have sexual contact with other men. But many times, the man is not gay or even bisexual. Of course, some men with gay sexual interests are gay men in a process of self-discovery; they are “coming out.” These desires may only reflect a different side of a man’s sexuality or some response to childhood trauma or experiences they have not fully processed. Here Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan make the distinction between gay men and “straight men with gay interests” clearer to women who want to know how they can overcome these revelations. The authors explain the many reasons why straight men may be drawn to gay sex; how to tell whether a man is gay, straight, or bisexual; and what the various options are for these couples, who can often go on to have very fulfilling marriages.

Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is intended to help couples understand how male sexuality can express itself in ways that may be difficult to understand. Many marriages have been hurriedly terminated when couples (and their therapists) have lacked the information they needed to understand their current situations. This book provides the clarity, describes the choices, and (in many cases) offers hope for relationships and marriages that have been brushed off as doomed.

Details

Rowman & Littlefield Publishers

Pages: 240 • Trim: 6½ x 9¼

978-1-4422-2325-7 • Hardback • September 2014 • $56.00 • (£43.00)

978-1-5381-2748-3 • Paperback • January 2019 • $27.00 • (£19.99)

978-1-4422-2326-4 • eBook • September 2014 • $25.50 • (£19.99)

Subjects: Psychology / Human Sexuality, Social Science / Gender Studies, Social Science / Men's Studies, Social Science / Women's Studies

Author

Joe Kort, PhD, MSW, MA, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist and a board certified clinical sexologist specializing in sex therapy and sexual identity. He is a member of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, the Academy of Certified Social Workers, and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Dr. Kort offers workshops for couples and singles, and he runs various therapy groups for men who are struggling with sexual issues. He is on the teaching faculty of the University of Michigan’s Sexual Health Certificate Program. He speaks and conducts workshops internationally, maintains and contributes to various blogs and online outlets, and writes newspaper and magazine articles. He is the author of three books, including Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide. He contributed a chapter on straight men who have sex with men in Mending A Shattered Heart: A Guide For The Partners of Sex Addicts.

Alexander P. Morgan, PhD, is a scientist and writer. He is the co-author of When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment, written with Dr. Kenneth Adams. A Woodrow Wilson Fellow and a National Science Foundation Fellow, he is a recipient of the Melville Medal from the American Society of Mechanical Engineers. He has published more than fifty professional articles. Dr. Morgan works with a variety of healthcare professionals to bring their expertise to the public in clear and accessible language.

Reviews

For decades, husbands and wives have faced the social tendency to shame, fear, and denounce husbands who have sex with men. Kort and Morgan's book offers a compassionate and understanding view that is grounded in science and clinical practice, rather than fear. Their book offers a surprising and pleasing depth to the understanding of this phenomenon and does not treat it in simplistic, black and white ways. Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? offers up a sophisticated view of masculine sexuality and eroticism that is sorely needed. Their work is a gift to the many husbands and wives out there who are struggling to understand the husband's same-sex attractions and trying to figure out where to go from here.
— David J. Ley, Ph.D., author of The Myth of Sex Addiction and Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and The Men Who Love Them

Male sexual fluidity is a cutting-edge, and sometimes confusing, topic. With empathy and insight Kort distills his years of experience helping couples decode and deal with a spectrum of scenarios into a single compelling volume.
— Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, sex therapist and NY Times best-selling author of She Comes First

Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? is a smart, contemporary look at a controversial issue. This is the only book I have ever seen that addresses the complexities of men's sexuality with empathy and a direct language that both men and women will find helpful. Clinicians who work with couples will turn again and again to this book for answers to this contemporary quandary as more and more couples struggle with the boundaries of male sexuality. Kort and Morgan give clear answers and direction and explain how to talk about relationships and betrayal while moving our understanding of sexuality forward into a new era of openness and maturity. Thank you, Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan.
— Dr. Tammy Nelson, author of The New Monogamy: Redefining Relationships after Infidelity and Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together

Seasoned couples therapist Joe Kort and scientist Alexander P. Morgan shine a clear and compassionate light on a much needed and little discussed topic—what to do if you think your husband may be gay. They walk readers through the distinctions between being gay, bi, or straight with an attraction to male sexuality. This is not a theoretical conversation but a hands-on guide to a complex, and often overwhelming, situation. Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? has the power to save marriages and change lives.
— Terrence Real, bestselling author and family therapist

Is my Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is a wonderful collection of case studies, therapy practices, and research-based information that illustrate the diverse range of behaviors, emotions, and psychological states of husbands (and in turn their wives) who think, suspect, or believe they are gay or bisexual, whether or not their identity actually fits the complex definition of homosexuality or bisexuality. The detailed examples, psychological theories, and therapeutic protocols in this book will be helpful to husbands, wives, and couples who seek clarity in this confusing situation and especially useful to therapists with such clients.
— Amity Pierce Buxton, PhD., founder, Straight Spouse Network; co-author, Unseen-Unheard: Straight Spouses from Trauma to Transformation

Is my Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? is a work of great significance. Dr. Kort has crafted a clear, no-nonsense, compassionate book that will benefit the lay-public as much as his professional colleagues. Written with the experienced and kind voice of an expert sex-therapist, Kort explores variations of human sexual behavior with well-deserved authority. This book is illuminating reading for couples in distress and a “must-read” for anyone who works in the field of sexual health.
— Evelyn Resh, MPH, CNM, Sexuality Counselor; author of Women, Sex, Power, and Pleasure and The Secret Lives of Teen Girls

This is an amazing book. It uncovers the truth about many men who have sex with other men who are not necessarily gay. Case examples illustrate the complexity of this phenomenon. A very useful resource for men and women who are dealing with this issue in their lives and relationships – and any professionals who want to understand them.
— Eli Coleman, professor emeritus, Eli Coleman Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, University of Minnesota Medical School

A brave and much needed exploration of the diversity of sexuality. Kort frees sexuality by discussing the health and beauty of diverse arousal patterns by breaking the limits of gay, straight, and bisexuality.
— Chris Donaghue, PhD, LCSW, CST, certified sex and couples therapist